Timing really is a bitch, isn't it?

 About 4 months since I stopped waiting for you, somehow you came up in a conversation about men, vulnerability and relationships. I began to tell my friend about you, this one guy I matched with and talked to everyday before we realized we liked each other, a lot. I proceeded to tell him about how kind and sweet you had been to me, how expressive and funny you were and how I decided to wait for you. I told him about the situation that arose during those months because of which we couldn't be together and how I understood that and waited for you, because I thought you were worth it. 

But timing is such a bitch, because if it wasn't, I believe we would have been together. And then, all of a sudden, it hit me -  all of it. You see, all these months I thought I accepted what had happened and I thought I accepted the fact that we could never be with each other, but god am I wrong. I don't know what is it about you. I just don't understand what is it about you that I can't just get over from. I am trying to understand and lord, I really need to. 

Maybe it was how understanding you were throughout. Or maybe it was that you gave me my time and space to be myself, be open to you, to be able to trust you. Maybe it was that you never made me feel bad or I never had to think 10 times before I spoke to you. Or maybe it was how vulnerable I could be with you and you, with me. It was all of it, I guess. It was the fact that you are safe and you made me feel so even, every time. It was how soft and sweet, sexual and non-sexual, delicate and strong you were. It was that despite everything you have been through you were willing to be vulnerable with me. It was that I could trust you with all of my heart. 

It was that every single cell, instinct, gut, whatever you want to call it told me you were the one for me. You were it. You're my Jake, my Chandler, my Patrick. It is that all this time later, I think I'm still in love with you and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. All I can do is sit on bed in front of a laptop and write while my heart sinks and breaks at the same time. While everything inside hurts so much I feel dizzy. God, I wish you felt the same. 

I wish you were my 'the one.' I wish I wasn't writing this but something better. I wish I could tell you this. But I can't. There's nothing I can do, mostly because I know that all it will do is make you feel bad, guilty, even and I don't want you to feel that. This is not your fault. If you ever end up reading this, I hope you understand how much you mean to me, what your position is in my heart, in my life. I love you.

Timing really is a bitch, isn't it?