The vicious cycle I call my love life.

 Well, by the title, you know what I am going to be venting about. I'm going to do it either way. Lol. So, about three weeks ago, I matched with a guy on a dating app.He's three years older to me. Now, at this point in my life, any guy I match with who replies with sentences instead of one words, I am already interested. Anyway, I matched with him and his first few replies to him had me, his energy and vibe was just different. It was amazing.

We met a few days later, he picked me up form the sky-walk where I got off from metro. He doesn't live far from me so travelling did not take up much time. We got in his car and went to get medu vada, which is a popular south Indian dish. As soon as I got in the car, it wasn't really awkward. We had something or the other to talk about. It was just nice; the conversation kept flowing like a river and the date kept getting better with each minute. I fed him some medu vada while he stood pretty. He opened the car door for me, while wildest dreams was playing, haha. We got to his society later where we just walked. We must have walked for over an hour talking about innumerable amount of things - the representation of LGBTQ+ in movies, to Christopher Nolan's Tenet, to the hookup culture and situationship that is in trend nowadays to our own romantic relationships and its effect on us. Through it all, he was expressive, vulnerable, like he had no walls built. It felt like a breath of fresh air. 

The we kissed, which led to a little action and then I left, he walked me to his gate and waited till I got an auto. A lot of this is the bare minimum, but please try to understand, I am not used to the bare minimum. Since then, we talked almost everyday, not necessarily had lengthy conversations about tons of things but it was nice. I would send him photos of the things I had been baking, the outfits I'd wear whenever I went out, he would send me photos of his outfits during ganpati, it felt amazing. I prayed for him to be it, so I don't have to go through all of it again. The entire process of meeting someone new, talking to them, getting to know them, connecting with them, going on a date with them only to later hear about how they are not ready to be serious, either they have found someone else they like or they aren't ready to be serious is just simply exhausting and I was truly hoping it wouldn't end, but.. 

You have to know why I feel the way I felt is because my luck in love hasn't been, well the best. Screw love, not even when it comes to liking anyone. The last time I fell in love I fell so hard, I don't think I'll ever completely recover from that (I've written about him as well) and the one after him, well, he did not like me enough to date me, either. 

Today, he told me he is with someone else. Well, just got together with someone else. He called me to tell me that. When he called me, my face lit up and a smile instantly appeared. I was just happy to hear his voice. But the moment he told me, I couldn't. stop. weeping. I cried the whole time we talked. Him, being his sweet self accepted his mistake of keeping me in the dark and tried comforting me, which didn't work. And even though I told him I wasn't crying, he knew I was. I hung up, went to the bathroom, covered my mouth and just cried really hard. There aren't often times where I have cried that hard. I couldn't believe I had put myself through another heartbreak or that I would have to go through the entire process again. AGAIN. His voice could tell me he felt awful for doing this. Anyway, when I recovered a bit, I decided to call him again and have a proper conversation. I was furious. How could he be doing this?

So I did. We talked. I told him what a d--k move this is and how he should've told me beforehand. He accepted his mistake completely. I hate it when mature men accept their mistake at one go. What was I supposed to do with my anger? I talked to him about it either way. He was sweet. He comforted me and I told him how this is the same cycle I have gone through and how mentally draining, emotionally killing it is. How I wish he had just talked to me, even if the outcome was the same. At least I would have known. I called him names, he let me. He apologised and thanked me for making him feel so special and how it broke his heart to tell me all of this, to hear me crying over call. He told me how confusing everything had been for him and how bad he feels to put me through all of this. 

He is such a positive person. I really wish he had just told me. I wish I didn't have to go through this pain again. I cannot even understand what I am feeling right now. It's night and I am trying to comprehend if I feel completely heartbroken, hurt, both or just deep, intense pain. Maybe it's all of this. I have a small list of things about him that I wanted to remember because I was so sure we were going to date (I sent the list to myself on a whatsapp group I created with just me in it long ago). We seemed so compatible with each other, or so I thought. 

I am just so, completely sick of this feeling. I'm here writing about this, hoping somewhere it helps me cope up with yet another experience in the vicious cycle I call my love life.