Vent: For you and me

Recently, I went back. Well, not physically, that would've been cool. No, I went back in the matters of the heart. See, there is someone I completely fell in love with. As time passed by, my love for him only grew stronger. I waited a long time for him. He's- He's perfect. Some months ago, I stopped waiting for him and decided to move on. I told him about this and he, in his kind, understanding manner, told me I did not even have to justify it, ever. He understood. So, I tried to move on, downloaded bumble matched with someone really nice who lived near and let it be casual.  For a few months, I really did think I moved on. I thought I cared deeply for him and I was day by day, moving on. Until one night it all hit me like a lightning, that all I did was suppress all of it and they're all now up and in my heart again. I mean, how do you deal with something like that? I could feel my heart breaking and all this hurt, out of nowhere. I could feel pain and hurt and tears d...

 About 4 months since I stopped waiting for you, somehow you came up in a conversation about men, vulnerability and relationships. I began to tell my friend about you, this one guy I matched with and talked to everyday before we realized we liked each other, a lot. I proceeded to tell him about how kind and sweet you had been to me, how expressive and funny you were and how I decided to wait for you. I told him about the situation that arose during those months because of which we couldn't be together and how I understood that and waited for you, because I thought you were worth it.  But timing is such a bitch, because if it wasn't, I believe we would have been together. And then, all of a sudden, it hit me -  all of it. You see, all these months I thought I accepted what had happened and I thought I accepted the fact that we could never be with each other, but god am I wrong. I don't know what is it about you. I just don't understand what is it about you that I can...

Dear me,  I don't think I ever thought I'd write to you; I'm probably still young to even write this. But here I am, regardless. I think maybe I need to, because I don't talk to you anymore, I don't tell you things, I don't let you be comfortable and most importantly, I haven't apologized to you.  For most of my life, I've been so uncomfortable with you. I didn't accept parts of you and your flaws or your looks. I kept thinking how perfect you have to be in order to be likeable. You have been tall and loud most of your life - also weird at times. You weren't confident with yourself, doubted yourself and hated your body for reasons that never mattered, for flaws that aren't flaws, and for all of that and more, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you thought you had to fit in with people and had to have the 'perfect' body just because. I'm sorry you cried to yourself at night and felt left out with most people you met, every friend you mad...