Vent: For you and me

It has been a while since I have written anything. Every time I type words that from sentences and sentences that form paragraphs, I erase it all. It all feels wrong, incorrect. Anyway, this is the first time in my almost twenty one years of existence that I moved away from home and got a job. My first job. Somehow, I still have trouble processing it. All of this. Moving away, living far, living in a less than average accommodation. It's all a little fuzzy to me. All my life, I haven't been someone who can approach someone first, make conversation and maintain it. I am not the best at it and I don't know how to get better. Frankly, I never found the need to. I was always happy with the friends I have got and the people I managed to talk to. I have only been able to connect with a very few people instantly. That has been nice, but how do I make conversation with people who are so drastically different than I am? How do people even do this? It has been about 3 days since I st...

Recently, I went back. Well, not physically, that would've been cool. No, I went back in the matters of the heart. See, there is someone I completely fell in love with. As time passed by, my love for him only grew stronger. I waited a long time for him. He's- He's perfect. Some months ago, I stopped waiting for him and decided to move on. I told him about this and he, in his kind, understanding manner, told me I did not even have to justify it, ever. He understood. So, I tried to move on, downloaded bumble matched with someone really nice who lived near and let it be casual.  For a few months, I really did think I moved on. I thought I cared deeply for him and I was day by day, moving on. Until one night it all hit me like a lightning, that all I did was suppress all of it and they're all now up and in my heart again. I mean, how do you deal with something like that? I could feel my heart breaking and all this hurt, out of nowhere. I could feel pain and hurt and tears d...

 About 4 months since I stopped waiting for you, somehow you came up in a conversation about men, vulnerability and relationships. I began to tell my friend about you, this one guy I matched with and talked to everyday before we realized we liked each other, a lot. I proceeded to tell him about how kind and sweet you had been to me, how expressive and funny you were and how I decided to wait for you. I told him about the situation that arose during those months because of which we couldn't be together and how I understood that and waited for you, because I thought you were worth it.  But timing is such a bitch, because if it wasn't, I believe we would have been together. And then, all of a sudden, it hit me -  all of it. You see, all these months I thought I accepted what had happened and I thought I accepted the fact that we could never be with each other, but god am I wrong. I don't know what is it about you. I just don't understand what is it about you that I can...

Dear me,  I don't think I ever thought I'd write to you; I'm probably still young to even write this. But here I am, regardless. I think maybe I need to, because I don't talk to you anymore, I don't tell you things, I don't let you be comfortable and most importantly, I haven't apologized to you.  For most of my life, I've been so uncomfortable with you. I didn't accept parts of you and your flaws or your looks. I kept thinking how perfect you have to be in order to be likeable. You have been tall and loud most of your life - also weird at times. You weren't confident with yourself, doubted yourself and hated your body for reasons that never mattered, for flaws that aren't flaws, and for all of that and more, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you thought you had to fit in with people and had to have the 'perfect' body just because. I'm sorry you cried to yourself at night and felt left out with most people you met, every friend you mad...

We all know and are almost constantly reminded of how mixed up life is. There is sunshine and rain, black and white and all the colors in between. As bewitching and scary that is, it is what life is, isn't it? With a rollercoaster of feelings and experiences also arrives a phase where everything feels like it's the end, that is probably isn't going to get worse than this, that rock bottom is here. The days, months, weeks, where all you want to do is cuddle up in your bed with a tub of ice cream, bottle of melancholy, plates of feelings and just, be. Either you cry your eyes out while your pillow holds your face, or you stare at a wall and feel your heart shatter in a million pieces, or you keep working and doing other tasks hoping that this will pass.  And it does, eventually, slowly, the feeling passes, the moment passes, the people? them too. But see, the beauty here is, in order for these feelings and moments to pass, you have to feel it first. Suppressing such feelings ...

There has been a lot of times in my life where I thought love was enough. That if you have someone you love and who loves you back, that's enough; everything else just falls in line with it. In a manner, that is true too, because when you love someone, you do work to maintain it. But for the longest time, I thought efforts were a given, I did not even know how do you actually put in efforts, especially in a romantic relationship. Still don't. It is only after I dated that I realized, more like it struck me that relationships require constant and consistent efforts, they require you to be vulnerable, to be communicative, to work on yourself as a part of making the relationship work. Love - is different for each of us. The very definition of 'falling in love', will vary from person to person. Maybe it is the same for some, but from what I have seen, it isn't. What comes along with love is the need and want to communicate, vulnerability, the fear of losing your signifi...